The Truth about Mommy Guilt

How to let go 
By Lola Augustine Brown

As new moms we share some common concerns. One of these may be the feeling that there are no simple decisions, that every choice we make could somehow be monumental and have the potential to screw up our children, our relationships, our finances, or ourselves.

When we second-guess every choice we make, guilt is an inevitable consequence.

Jennifer Coté, Toronto mother to Sabina (aged four) and Nico (aged nine months), always feels guilty. “I feel totally inadequate because there are never enough hours in the day. If I want any time for myself I feel especially guilty because that means putting the kids second,” says Coté.

“Guilt is mommyversal,” says Michelle La Rowe, nanny extraordinaire and author of Working Moms 411 (Regal, 2009). “It doesn’t matter whether you are married or single, working or a stay-at-home mom, all moms experience guilt.”

Chasing perfect
Since today’s moms seem to have so much more on their plate than in previous generations, one might be tempted to think that mommy guilt is a modern problem. Edmonton-based registered psychologist Jeanne Williams, who works with children and families, thinks motherhood and guilt have always gone hand-in-hand.

These days, however, the problem is exacerbated by the media’s tendency to portray people as perfect. “This puts a lot of pressure on moms who can’t compete with TV moms or celebrities,” says Williams.

The pressure to be perfect affects Winnipeg mom Carly Walsh, whose son Jack is two years old. “I feel guilty that I don’t have Jack enrolled in the same activities that other moms take their kids to, and sometimes I just don’t know what to do with him—I feel like I must be the most boring mom in the world,” says Walsh.

“I also feel guilty that I’m a terrible cook and that Jack and my husband eat a lot of the same foods over and over. I listen to other moms talk about their recipes and homemade meals and I feel so inadequate,” adds Walsh.

Ditching the guilt
While it’s unlikely that any of us can entirely shake off mommy guilt, there are things we can do to diminish its hold over us. For a start, it’s important to realize that you aren’t alone in feeling this way and to develop a network of sympathetic friends.

Williams says talking to others really is the best thing we can do to alleviate mommy guilt. “Being in some kind of mom’s group gives you a chance to discover that you aren’t alone in having these feelings, or that your kid isn’t the only one that acts a certain way,” she says.

“A support group can give working moms ideas on how to juggle work and home life and can help stay-at-home moms feel validated in a world that doesn’t put a lot of importance on full-time parenting.”

Williams says you don’t need to find a formal mom’s group—you can also find support in other places. You can take your kids to the park and strike up conversations with other parents there, or join a club or religious group.

Corrine de Réland connects with other mom friends through an online forum they set up through a social networking site—some moms debrief via their blogs and others just pick up the phone.

Tanya Rubbink, in Hagersville, Ontario, has four kids and gets through her feelings of mommy guilt by sharing them with another mom friend. “We speak every day and it really helps,” says Rubbink, “but then I’ll get off the phone and feel guilty for spending so much time chatting!”

Creating room to breathe
Getting worked up about all the things we aren’t doing right will only lead to more guilt, so it’s important to try and give ourselves a bit of a break. La Rowe advises that we redefine our expectations as a way of gaining control over our guilty feelings, and get some stuff off our plates in order to lighten the load.

“Delegate tasks by getting the family to pitch in or by outsourcing things that need to get done around the house while you take some time for yourself,” says La Rowe.

Outsourcing tasks is a really good idea, but if hiring a cleaner is out of sync with your budget you might want to consider asking a neighbourhood teen to do some of the chores that eat into your precious time (dog walking, ironing, or whatever you would love to give up).

Taking time off is vital. Ottawa mom de Réland does volunteer work that gets her out of the house but still allows her to do something constructive, and it helps her feel more balanced.

Even if it’s just reading a book after the kids are in bed, or going on a date with your hubby once in a while, every mom needs a non-kid related outlet to stay sane.

For Toronto mom Brandie Weikle, dealing with the guilt she carries for being a working mom is tough, but she copes by ensuring that she has a lot of fun with her two young boys in the evenings. “I try to be in the moment with them as much as possible, providing the kind of lighthearted fun they love, such as picnics in the living room,” says Weikle.

Whichever way you deal with the guilt you have, keeping things in perspective is vital. “Being a perfect mom, even if that was possible, isn’t what is going to be most helpful to our kids. It’s how we deal with and respond to obstacles and imperfections that will teach them to deal with their own,” says Williams.

“As we try to do the best we can, while being gracious and forgiving of ourselves [and others], we will teach our children to do the same thing in their own lives, which is really what we want for them.”

Lola Augustine Brown, a freelance writer living in Halifax, NS, always feels guilty about checking email when she should be playing with her kid, but does it anyway.

Source: blush #2, Fall 2009